The concept of performative utterances can seem pretty simple. Performative utterances make or change reality. A priest saying, “I now pronounce you man and wife” is a performative utterance because the man and wife are now married. A son telling his mother, “I promise to do the dishes” is a performative utterance because the son has done something that he can only do with words: promise. The one performative utterance that doesn’t stand out so clearly is the act of apologizing or saying, “I’m sorry.”
An excerpt from Allan G Johnson’s The Forest and the Trees: Sociology as Life, Practice, and Promise states that apologizing is a performative act because it implies anacceptance of another’s emotions and/or an acceptance of fault. For example:
I talk behind my friend’s back about her new haircut
She overhears my conversation
She becomes angry and says (performatively), “We are not friends anymore.”
One way to get myself off the hook and return our relationship to normal would be to say, “I’m sorry.” Through those two words, I am really saying, “I accept your anger. I accept that I was wrong.” My friend could then perform her own performative act by saying, “I accept your apology.” We then go back to being friends, making that exchange performative because it changed reality. We went from not being friends to being friends.
Quite often, we do not use the words “I’m sorry” as a way of apologizing. Below is a link to an article by Melissa Dahl entitled Sorry I’m Not Sorry I’m Sorry. She cites research from Deborah Tannen, a linguist, who explains that, “saying ‘sorry’ (can be) a way of taking into account the presence of another person. It’s not necessarily a way of accepting fault or blame; in other words, it’s focused out.” An example of this is, “I’m sorry, but do you have the time?”
Other examples of non-apology apologies are, “I’m sorry about your father’s passing” where one is expressing sorrow for another’s situation without accepting fault for the situation or “I’m sorry, but those shoes are hideous” which merely uses “I’m sorry” as a sarcastic introduction to one’s statement or “I’m sorry you felt that way,” which actually renounces fault through the guise of apologizing.
I think that the reason “I’m sorry” is used in anunperformative way so often is because we all know that those words have power. How often do we crave for the one who hurt us to just utter those two words, to accept their fault, to quell our anger or sadness? Consequently, because we are aware of the diffusing power of “I’m sorry”, we use it to make a mean statement not sound as bad (“I’m sorry, but. . .), to hold on to one’s pride without making an enemy (“I’m sorry you felt that way”) or so the lady on the street won’t think you’re about to mug her (“I’m sorry, but do you know where 6th street is?”).
I really like that you brought up "I'm sorry" as a performative utterance. I agree with the points that you bring up. I was shown the video a while back and now I always notice when I say the words "I'm sorry" when I don't actually mean it. This was a great example!
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