The concept of
performative utterances can seem pretty simple.
Performative utterances make or change reality. A priest saying, “I now pronounce you man and
wife” is a performative utterance because the man and wife are now
married. A son telling his mother, “I
promise to do the dishes” is a performative utterance because the son has done
something that he can only do with words:
promise. The one performative
utterance that doesn’t stand out so clearly is the act of apologizing or
saying, “I’m sorry.”
An excerpt from Allan
G Johnson’s The Forest and the Trees:
Sociology as Life, Practice, and Promise states that apologizing is a
performative act because it implies an acceptance of another’s emotions and/or an
acceptance of fault. For example:
I talk behind my
friend’s back about her new haircut
She overhears my
conversation
She becomes angry and
says (performatively), “We are not friends anymore.”
One way to get myself
off the hook and return our relationship to normal would be to say, “I’m sorry.” Through those two words, I am really saying, “I
accept your anger. I accept that I was
wrong.” My friend could then perform her
own performative act by saying, “I accept your apology.” We then go back to being friends, making that
exchange performative because it changed reality. We went from not being friends to being
friends.
Quite often, we do
not use the words “I’m sorry” as a way of apologizing. Below is a link to an article by Melissa Dahl
entitled Sorry I’m Not Sorry I’m Sorry. She cites research from Deborah Tannen, a
linguist, who explains that, “saying ‘sorry’ (can be) a way of taking into
account the presence of another person. It’s not necessarily a way of accepting
fault or blame; in other words, it’s focused out.” An example of this is, “I’m sorry, but do you
have the time?”
Other examples of
non-apology apologies are, “I’m sorry about your father’s passing” where one is
expressing sorrow for another’s situation without accepting fault for the situation
or “I’m sorry, but those shoes are hideous” which merely uses “I’m sorry” as a
sarcastic introduction to one’s statement or “I’m sorry you felt that way,”
which actually renounces fault through the guise of apologizing.
I think that the
reason “I’m sorry” is used in an unperformative way so often is because we all
know that those words have power. How
often do we crave for the one who hurt us to just utter those two words, to accept
their fault, to quell our anger or sadness?
Consequently, because we are aware of the diffusing power of “I’m sorry”,
we use it to make a mean statement not sound as bad (“I’m sorry, but. . .), to
hold on to one’s pride without making an enemy (“I’m sorry you felt that way”)
or so the lady on the street won’t think you’re about to mug her (“I’m sorry,
but do you know where 6th street is?”).
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